It's been quite a while now, I almost forgot my love affair with my pen,may be I'm starting to believe Im suck at this whole writing thing,..to tell the truth,it's not only the writing, I haven't done anything for me over the last couple of years except feeding my feelings with inadequacy and guilt...and it has certainly made me feel incompetent,lazy,unsympathetic,rude,dull,stupid ..It's like , I don't know myself anymore...suddenly i'm starting to wonder did I silently sign-off from the person I always wanted to be!!!!?. being truly myself is not truly myself anymore.....sometimes I'm soo intimated by the people..and then I try to move away from the emotion thing and I try to deny it completely.. after every never ending day I kept myself reminding how fake this world is... after each day I am even more tired of everything and everyone around me. I can’t seem to get used to all the noises in my head,in my every thoughts..
this universe never let me alone...behind my door the intense universe that can’t seem to stop.. ..and a melancholy pleasure try to kill my well-designed thoughts and drill into my happiness..may be I'm just wondering how to find my soul a home where water is not thirsty anymore..but I do try to remember myself that there are much worse things in life;nothing much wrong in mine!!! ......but it feels like I have forgotten my dreams; it was there then,right in front of me....we all screw up..but I have the courage to feel every mistakes and everything so deeply....and I kept changing myself..
....I think the loneliest time I have ever spent is now,but I can say I'm not unhappy...but still..the sparks,the energy I had towards life is missing, I miss being a day dreamer.....maturity makes us dull perhaps...each day I go further breaking my shell and every discovery of my life ..big or small ,becomes etched in my mind forever..and teaches me something....and they end up creating the illusion of strength and stability in me... by labeling the maturity tag on me....strange indeed! The strangeness of life cannot be measured..every time when I try to produce a deathblow of a dream I'm elevated to the status of something new...and then soon after the failure show up from that elevation.. and then I try to add up a new dimension.....
.. this whole year seems like an eternity tome...good news is...I have finally learned to enjoy every low wavy pattern of my life.......and I know everything turns,rotates,spins,circles,loops,pulsates,resonates,and repeats..may be this is what we call life...!!!