Hardest goodbye

I left home smiling with anticipations and excitements. and then the dream came true. It was much more than I ever imagined..something to cherish for rest of my life..then came the departure, It was all well planned, but it felt like my temple of love was demolished by some monstrous fate and I couldn't do anything. A large chunk of my peace of mind was going, leaving, fading with her departure., a huge part of me had died.

 It was early morning, and it was raining;I was coming back without you, saddened and depressed..every micro moment seemed like the biggest-tragedy, time stood still....emotions were desperate to climb on your memories...i couldn't take any longer there,  then I went out .. as I began to walk, the rain started pouring down heavier this time..involving me, surrounding me, drowning me., the same road we walked together seemed so unfamiliar … I tried to cheat my emotions with the hope and dreams, but they were poised somewhere else....

I opened my eyes after sleepless night.. after switching my talking alarm clock off. I was coming back with a grieving heart.....I was trying to keep myself busy with the airlines movie storage,flicking through channel after channel, but my heart was glued on you and I couldn't think of anything else… I understood that the hollowness I was carrying with me would never go away easily.

Home didn't feel like home after then.never thought it could be this painful.., This may sound so filmy but ..there’s no other way to put it... Food lost its taste.sleep had enough of me and wouldn't give me time.,my brain seemed never tired of your loud thinking..felt like I was recovering from a drug addiction. I was so in love and I felt like you had gone,even though I knew It’s just temporary..but it was so hard to accept that you are gone,.and I wont be able to hold you for a year or so. , i promised to turn into a tougher guy but the emotions never stopped following me.. soul never felt in me after then, felt always half short.. Departure is the worst invention ever..But I know we can’t be apart,...I still can see the beauty in the sadness, it makes me grateful that I am fortunate enough to have someone like you in my life. It’s not the end, it’s just the beginning .., The way you held my hand, the way you always looked at me intently. I know we are meant to be together, everything will turn out the way we planned..now I can put all my smiles and happiness on starvation mode for awhile..i can wait , the wait is worth everything... Time to draw in my sails...till the next favorable wind..till we meet...!

Dear S

I had been caged with my own miseries, ridicules creatures around me never missed the chance to kill my innocence , then you came along and helped me to shine and helped me to find my lost faith.. your words protect me like an angel,.you are my inspiration and you are definitely one of the most amazing people I know. I feel so very grateful and privileged to know you.. I know that I have many qualities. Sadly, you have not seen any.. You have just seen my depressed and a mind full of confusions; you haven’t seen me light up when I am inspired. All you see was silly me being fidgety and uncomfortable ..and yet you saw right through me... you never gave up fixing on my brokenness . you held me like no one ever did. you taught me I should believe in my own principles and morals..you gave me faith, you taught me not to be someone else and being myself is more than good enough, infact the best! The truth of the matter is that I feel appreciated when I am around you. I feel pure.. You were there for me during my darkest moment. I had no one. My confident were on edge, friends were unavailable . within you i solve everything, with your love I saw myself climbing the sky.. You just being yourself were that strength that I needed to lead me out... I feel like I have learnt so much from you. You are respectful,  you are a selfless being. You know the worst of me and you had seen the worst of me..You listen to me like a friend..I don't have to worry about what to say, I don't have to limit my words or my silence. I can talk about my goals and aims, like and dislikes, my fav series, the documentary i saw and you never get bored of my blabbing.i can share my mind boggling space and time cosmos stories with you.. you never get bored...you never get bored of my chandler and Ross jokes...at the same time I can share all my problems with you, the secrets ..and the embarrassment I had..i can share each and everything to you..  you listen to me like the first day we talked. you never seemed to get enough of me, ..that’s the beauty of our love....we both always stay in the same page. we travel at the same pace, feel the same emotions and love; we are one heart and one soul…
You are that person who always lifts my spirits . You have the ability to put together things in an order to make me happy and... I just want your grip, your smile.. I am walking ahead and I feel elated, motivated and ready to show everyone what I can be. You make me believe we can make it through anything... I see light. I want to fly with you. I want to be all your "dreams come true" story. I want to bring all the happiness for you, the way you did to me....!

The realization

I've got this long to-do list of things that must get done this summer, I haven't done anything but watching movies for last one month or so .I’m not a very articulate person when it comes to verbally expressing things that goes on inside my mind.Interestingly, I somehow ended up writhing blogs here, funny indeed!

This thought is hitting me hard, pretty simple thought..more like a realization..but somewhere down the line it felt different......Life is indeed a gift, but we make a choice to be a slave to a system where "peace and happiness" defied in a different dimension, we purchase what people want us to want, not what we need to be happy and we make a living by running after what we don't have..and it takes away the chance to look back and enjoy what we got. this world is vast with beauty, it's incredible..It's just about how you see it and feel it..when I see a dying paralyzed body still wants to fight and wants to breath and  then I look at myself and heart becomes fulfilled with gratitude .My body is not paralyze,nor my soul..I can fly with my emotions, I can sing with my words..I can feel the grass beneath my feet..I can smell the green, I can fly under the blue sky..I can feel the morning ray on my skin, I can smile, I can feel my tears,...and I'm alive..and my life is a gift, its beautiful and it's special...and that's what I want to believe now; I want to appreciate everything I have, and I think that's what beauty of life,understanding the little thing around you and learning to appreciate them.

I’ll be turning 26 soon and I might have already lived almost half of my life..there are still so many things to do,so many places to travel, mountains to climb, books to read, people to meet,moments are waiting to defy.I want to discover every lil things this planet has to offer, I want to get lost in thoughts of vastness of space, want learn how the cosmos's blackhole gravity works, I wana go back in innocence of childhood., I want to know the meanings of miracle, want to see how god listens to our prayers and how he makes the tears disappear...  I want to feel and defy every moments I'm in, I wana lose myself end of a lonely road and see where it takes me in, I want to be amazed by the music and how it takes me to fly and to zero gravity ..i want to feel the deep inside my goosebumps ..I want to know how it feels to lose myself in a lonely hour in a lonely country,..want to discover the beauty of every face I see ,every colors around me,..I want to live, i want to be alive, be all crazy, lost myself playing football in rainy day and get hurts on my knees ,..I wana lose myself into those eyes again and ..i wana feel those butterflies .. Want to know why love is so pure and beautiful..I wana accept each and everything which life has to offer..I want to see, perceive, experience .....I want to feel alive and I wana go beyond this system and the boundaries. 

                     .


                                                                                   

Insomniatic June July

                                      

the loop, the long distance loneliness,

feeding my emotions through technologies;

the lonely ipod playlist keeps changing ,

 trying to make me busy for no reason.

the brain keeps puzzling,counting numbers and figures;

solution: hopes and the future,
but the future seems like a long tricky past.

 hope of dreams seem bizarre with their own words.

thoughts are spilling & my agnostic prayer fell apart;

Dear S ,you are the light,the only strength keeping me alive,

giving me the hope,giving me the peace,
keeping my beautiful soul inside me.

My wish was in vain and I asked karma,why ?.
Wait!

At night,out of my window, 
in the glow of street light I stare the invisible,

and the rain falls down,as if they need to prove a point,
 I miss the sun, 

I miss the warmth of hope...

A change may be in the corner,pretty soon!

Alonetic

     Days are looping, mimicking one another

     I am still living, longing,yearning, and aching;

     I rip my soul apart, my body rips open, and I fall through the air,

     I  walk backwards, I wake up in the wrong bed and I walk down the ceiling,

     I leap out of the window, falling through the sky lines,

     Till my feet touch the ground, back in time.

     I fall back into the sky; I have now closed my eyes,

     Here is where I belong; I missed the old days, the memories left behind.

     Where you and I, back in time; and this is why, here, is where I must die.

     A growing new me, alonetic ; without you.

The skeptical pendulum

Dad used to say..”life is a long high road..and  every day is a mile marker..and you have to utilize everyday"..dad was right..But I think if you don't slow down occasionally,you'll miss what each mile has to offer..but there's also a flip side to that, sometimes you can stuck in a wrong "mile" and find yourself in the loop of most awful road imaginable..sometimes a "mile" defines a life.. small or big..sometimes all it takes one turn..to make a life whole different one..I don't know where was the biggest wrong turn i made,but it seems like I took quite few of them ..

 When I was a child i thought being brave meant that you had to take action,.that to have a dream or get forward in life you need courage.but now, I think the only thing u need courage is for standing still,..for your dreams and your beliefs...but I never really aware of my own individuality, always got caught in between the views of others.. I guess now it's the right time for me to stand, to justify myself and my own individuality..

The last two months have been nothing short of a nightmare.But thankfully I can see the end of it is near..when you face the worst, it can only gets better..when everything seems to fall apart around me but I never really failed to hope that a column might be out there somewhere.
I always try to believe that everything happens for a good reason....and i just have to stop looking back..cause i know,

       "when you face the sun,the shadows always fall behind you….."

Black is black !

                                                                   

People are mysterious, or should I say fake.,. When it comes to selling Islam some of my relatives right on top., everywhere fakeness took control. Friends are too busy fooling their own emotions, too busy playing monopoly or  too busy with their own sex-o-logy, the number game, the scoring game!! And I feel like an innocent child in front of them! Why should I even bother, I should not!..? !! ..everywhere it’s the fake insanity, and they are whispering to my ears “if you wana be good you gotta be bad”.. Me!!? Too late to reform now!...My honesty never paid off, my words were humble, but they were beaten badly, my eyes were innocent but they made them blurry, I can't seem to have clear vision anymore., of anything. . . And I’m wondering did I get the wrong books of set! ?Now my soul seems helpless, naked, piping loud…
But I have peace on mind..and I know right is right, black is black..and white is white.., and I don't want these people in my life..not even in my funeral. 

 “come not, when I am dead,To drop thy foolish tears upon my rave”

What if!!!

       What if there was no time, no you and me, no us.

       No space, no evolution, no expansion of universe..

       what if there was no language,no words, no poetry

       what if there’s no morals, protocols, no rules & sanity!

       what if there’s no worries and no sparkling glory,

       What if there’s no ecstasy,no god,no fairytale story.

       What if there was no creativity,
       What if everything is just a setup,
       Just make-believe reality!

       What if there was no lie, no truth, just a straight line,
       What if your eyes speak your mind!

       What if we could sail the hatred away

       What if there’s no money,
       We all would have been rich anyway.

       What if there’s no scriptures to believe on,

       And the sun refuses to shine on!

Alan Poe

"....From childhood's hour I have not been as others were; I have not seen as others saw; I could not bring my passions from a common spring...From the same source I have not taken my sorrow; I could not awaken..My heart to joy at the same tone and all I loved, I loved alone.Then- in my childhood, in the dawn of a most stormy life- was drawn from every depth of good and ill..The mystery which binds me still,from the torrent, or the fountain,From the red cliff of the mountain,from the sun that round me rolled in its autumn tint of gold,from the lightning in the sky as it passed me flying by,from the thunder and the storm, and the cloud that took the form(When the rest of Heaven was blue)Of a demon in my view..."

                                                   Edgar Allan Poe.

...He wrote this poem when he was around 20.This poem is about his childhood,his struggle..and mixing those feelings with those of abandonment by his parents when they died....i think the poem is about growing up lonely, being different,existing on a different wavelength..and somehow I find myself in it....in so many ways..!!

And this photograph in a way symbolizes the poem  ...

                         Pic: 2011, Karan Beach (With a samsung digital cam, not even a DSLR)

Dear Sleep

    Body is tired,mind is racing,eyes are hurt, my heart is pacing 

    Exhaustion keeps knocking on the bare eyes.,
    But my sleep is far away tonight...

    Sleep escaped away to some other place..
    Some other place where it needed less!

    My dear sleep, swim me through the deep blue sea,

     fly me through this love-lit night’s ecstasy,
     to a thousand miles away in your lazy peace. 

    Why is there such madness in the air,

    Mountains of words are whispering to my ears!

    And how her scent is lingering 
    when she is not even there!

    My soul’ wandering around in a wakeful slumber.
    And her pictures are rolling in numbers!

    Why can’t you tell her not to come on my mind tonight!

    Dear sleep why don’t you take me to your wonderland of peace!