December, 2012

It's freezing early morning...day is still yawning and i'm shivering .. my forlorn jacket is struggling to warm me up, sun is losing hope for an early break through..so is my mind..losing hope to solve the puzzle...this whole December month has been a disaster,kept finding myself in the state of exhausted miseries...thought a shoulder was there to cry on, no..there wasn't any!!... Sometimes you have to accept the circumstances and act according to it even though your heart is breaking into pieces...wish they knew how hurtful the ache of a wish not fulfilled ...
.this month is full of realization and thoughts..people are selfish,careless. .. some people made me feel really small; the smallest..most of the time people don't wana get to know your lil wishes and your lil pains.. ..

2012 has came to an end.. Endings are sort of beginnings backwards..is it? I hope not!.this year has been a roller-coaster ride..in terms of personal emotions or achieving goals…but it has made me a strong person.;better and confident..;taught me true color of life ;faces & phases..Even though my innocence and emotions were shattered brutally but my morality never changed!

Waves of thoughts and realizations are slackening...now I don't wana dig into judgment,. sway in opinions..Don't wana offend or be defended or blame people,not anymore!!... time to put my all expressions on mute...let them be mystery., let them only live in me.....now my suffering are my hidden glories....I’ll keep them even closer in me!
sometimes i feel proud of consistently facing the best troubles of the entire cosmic arrangement..I know I can be truly proud of myself..I know my family is.  I feel appreciated and I feel special when I’m with them.. they never let me feel small.. I don’t need anything else. ma is my safest house.. I get my inspirations and hopes in her. 

some days are meant for waiting.!!! I gotta work harder now..time is flying.....some more dreams to be achieved..some more people to prove wrong..! Self-note, Dates are more closer than they appear!

Too much pressure to take

  

Some days what i consider as inspiration turns out to be the illusion....I feel like I live in different dimensions. Society wants something, situation demands another, and my heart poised somewhere else, feeling one way, acting another..Some days I let my suffering ripen..but kept well-hidden... Some days want to find a new interpretation of myself... These days helplessness is often a driving force to me..the more it delves me into confusion, the stronger my will to break out of it. In the midst of loss I discovered how strong and capable I am, and that I don't give up,I cave in... these are my gifts. I don’t share my problems, I don’t show how miserable I am, I hide it in me! I loop around my own gravity till I completely fall apart.. But my wishes sometimes whisper slowly for helping soul to restore me.

Every each day the dismal responsibilities and “to do list” dutifully disseminate their misery..but, nothing is happening except writing and planning...the luxury of my creative mind!!!..so many things to do, I have such a short time in hand, everything around me makes me insane and I won’t be surprise if I lose my sanity.. wish there was someone who can feel the shoes i'm in and the pressure I’m absorbing!.Its not easy to live in the three dimensions of life simultaneously.....I try to be untainted by future and reality..logic..or reason..and to be happy with my sweet disposition.
 I don’t laugh much these days; usually I fake it, it's easier to answer and hiding tomes of stories underneath your face!...In fact, I don’t feel very much these days. Just an unavoidable numbness that surrounds me, envelops me, swallows me. At most I can either feel a certainly small amount of pain or anger; absolute pure rage at nothing.

Not feeling very philosophical lately, probably a good thing. Some days i am told by my brain....that I've exhausted my quota of recognizable human thoughts.. i wonder how much of 'me' is withheld from me and how much of 'me' is revealed ....these days everything trying so hard, so soooooo hard to make me an accidental pessimist...but I’m holding myself strong with the hope some point life gonna drop something special, exactly the way i want everything to be... Searching for lil help, lil heads up, a lil push back seems so hard to find .... happiness is so speculative, freaky and never first hand for me...just the self-love remains... But luckily somehow life protects my vulnerable emotions and gives them a longer, decisive destiny...!!

Without you

   

Some days i think of myself as illiterate, dumb...why are we wasting so much of time if the life is totality of time?..then my answers hide under some invisible force which we both have nothing to do with. Every day each feeling seeks a corner inside me...to reach themselves out to you..

then i put the weight of loneliness on words, even they crumble...I cannot  choose the width and depth of my living anymore, it’s not in my hand, some “fate” controlling it over me.... Hints & delicacies..silences & cross-purposes..baffled frustrations..violent passions..steely numbness..wonder which stage of life I am in right now!!..may be in between all of them..!.. i find myself reluctant & afraid..the challenges, the future and my weakness. Being parted, every day I feel the lacking of other half in me; we are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. The complete incompleteness in time frame.. even 6 hours of skyping never seems enough, every night 3am stares at me and I keep losing every inch of sanity..Sometimes I run out of freeway and I wonder if it’s all worth the price that I’m paying. .. I pull into the drive of memories and you’re standing right there..then I get my inspirations back..and I find all reasons to label it “worth waiting”... 

Morning thought

It’s 8.30 morning,the same ancient life between the intersecting circles of sleeping & waking..Cha is fueling the late morning, window frames the morning, day still seems yawning.....another day of infinite conclusions on the card....disappointment is trying to poke on the corner...some fantasies being troubled by nagging realities... I shouldn't sit on one disappointment for long...have to catch...a new one!!....scheme of the day is enveloping fast.... opinion and thoughts are engaged with intimate encounter in my head with the smell of “Cha”, but most opinions want to fly without wings...last night was ended with an unfinished conclusions , faith lost on unknown streets of fantasy & found a dead end..... couldn't sleep well last night, dreams seduced me into submission but now interestingly, morning energy is flying all over my cells, early workout was musical...the sun light seems brighter today..i remember how my soul used to be, a mystery wrapped in a riddle, dusted with a puzzle, layered with 100% pure confusion. Poor me!!!But today, I can look back and laugh, I’m the most happy and motivated one, happy for everything!!.. have reached a point where I can truly defy myself, it’s pretty much the old saying, the more you work on yourself, the more the universe works for you..but I feel restless sometimes, too much to take, too much to face, the increasing noisy traffic is making lines by their own..need a new highway of silence...new road of emptiness... need a push-back again!!...deadlines are moving around silently like gravity force!! Wish I could escape the reality once in awhile and be with you! Sigh!!!!!!!!

Moment of vision.

"At the moment of vision,the eyes see nothing."..Not my quote..from William Golding..An old snap from the year 2010

To you; my better half

I know this whole post gonna sound cheesy to you, I don’t care.
I’m honestly now learning how to live, smile, and breathe...Without you, I would still be sleeping in darkness and missing out all of this beautiful journey we share every day.. Now I breathe in joy, I dream to reach the sky..

The sun and I.

          Pic : Karon beach, Phuket. Year :2011

Septemberica’12

Every day some passion dies out of the race and some feelings die out of necessity. Every day is a lost & found tale. .  whatever makes me forget time liberates me sometimes.. then that liberation get lost in new one.I don't select my thirsts..they chose me..and I chose to keep them in me....some times it's not wise to express all the thoughts that course through the mind...sometimes it’s better people don't get to know your deepest hour or your deepest fear. and what your illusive thoughts are...the more they know you,the less they understand your worried puzzle mind... alone is better..alone is happy time ..me and  own cluttered mind ...fun to be poised in between my own emotions and equations,....... what if someone really understands me...scary thought...!! really? I'm scared of the opposite, that no-one will understand me. ... In a world of make believe I doubt the sincerity of my laughter and tears..  I always keep my certain emotions blindfolded.....then I wait endlessly for some relevance to fondle my words... some days i seize the heaviest mood to carry, without saying a word... ..but then in you I breathe in joy... submerged in worries...sometimes don't know how to keep myself afloat.. ..... I am poised between two infinities...my true self and the way society wants me to be....!

Saudi time

 Didn't have that much pleasant memories time in Saudia, still was a good experience. 

To you, dad (letter#1)

Another day.,another city..typical middle east Makkah temperature ,but my fever makes me shivering .i can feel the emptiness in the wind.. Random faces,unknown voices,.Prayers are floating around..your memories are keep rolling , emotions running through my body.i can sense your presence somewhere here..i can feel it!I miss my mum,my home!.but I miss you more here baba, I can feel more close to you now, I can imagine how you walked through one of those busy road here.. my eyes are filling with emptiness in the crowd..you are filling my long dried out emotions..tears in my eyes....wish I could tell you how much I love you.. I never even got to tell you that!

.. staying here makes me upset over loud thinking of you and your memories....staying here does not look easy.!Your stories are unfolding...my saddened emotions turned gently and slowly into something beautiful..i feel proud when people talk about you..how am I lucky to be your son.. You are the person, who is my backbone all the way, I’m proud that I’m fortunate enough to carry your DNA, dad!
 When the distance between me and you is just a dream wish there was a different dimension to bridge up dream and reality.....my mom’s empty words and her sacrifices make me sad .. The long seven years she left behind is nothing to the tears and shattered dreams she tasted. ...i remember that violent 6am wind,hammering each window, my mum’s far cry broke my eyes. Still my heart beats up so fast in pain!we didn't even get to hear your voice, you didn't even say goodbye, … I remember how hard it was for me to accept a life without you, I used to think how life can be more hellish than this....but I have changed myself , for me and for us.I learned so many things from the life you led, these days I allow only a little amount of life to bother me...cause that’s what you taught me... may be if you were here I would have understood the world more.i have been suffering from loss of sense , only I know it’s you who would have made my life easier. Sometimes my thoughts are on a collision course with my rules, morals & protocols..almost like a collateral damage of sort, then I think of you and I find the way of my own. You always lift my spirits..

Beyond space & time wish there was a different dimension of life where we could meet. Wish there was a door yet to be opened so we could be free, and could meet you there..these silent shadows creep upon me, like spirits .lonely, quiet…Sometimes in moments of sheer happiness and utter depression it’s only you on my mind,dad!!

 Time to inhabit another world..time to let dreams thrive for you, for us..I know that you’d left behind the world for a much better place, but still wish I had the chance to say how much I love you. .

 Time to move on now..time to make you proud!

Friday,Rain&My cluttered mind!

It’s Friday, friday doesn't seem like "funday " anymore. No different today, woke up with lazy head and saw morning has wet cheeks.....rain is trying to act familiar after a shinny yesterday...it’s storm outside,electric pulse is controlling the sky!...A flash outside brings me back to life from my splitting headache and my ears are washed with the sound of wet rain.The black sky outside is exploding into blinding purples,the streaks of white light traveling across miles tearing the horizon apart..
My lazy feet walk towards the open window, wetting their soles near the window pane, the water droplets; wetting my hair, my hands and body, I feel peace,.my eyes start to open wide and I can see the images in the distance with a glow settled on them..I look up at the screaming sky and got a bit scared; the flickering thunder and thrashing wind. The pendulum timekeeper declares the time 7.50 am. i overlooked it as if I missed an hour in counting. Rains pounding like merciless critics..I came to bed again and got my lazy comfort..discussions becoming sentimental controversies with myself and my brain.. window gets upset over my loud thinking and a restless wind whistles, windows creak. then i got up again..the clouds collide into an angry thunder clap as I turned my PC monitor on, the machine was on since yesterday, had some utorrent downloading to complete .Rain brought some audible letters, but the words are pouring out on my cluttered mind ,looking for pages to write on,my fingers wrinkled, I want to write page after pages on MS words. But instead I turned the soundtrack on,avoiding the long tale inside me...I call it my individuality....or my fragility.....have I ever prioritize the things in order? never!!
Possibility of self-mistrust multiplying...some days words mirror my feelings, some days silence..I'm observing my own silence now.... Music is flooding the spirits and the rain upsetting the rhythm.....the playlist shuffling with chosen Hans zimmer’s movie soundtracks..music is soothing the thoughts as if I finally got the relief from the grief poking for years...the knock from the door..coffee cup is ready now, I took it, coffee is wrapping me with slickly seducing ideas. I went to the table, the long “to do list” waiting to be melted...waiting to be loved and cared…who cares!! mind got something to get lost into.!
Morning merging seamlessly with me.... time to upgrade desires…Sometimes these primitive emotions forget the art of repeated life, I feel like a tangent to this universe! I never understand people in it! I understand nature, the beauty in it, the rain of it!

A cold breeze penetrates my being and envelopes my lungs to replace the squalor with peace and cleanses me..thoughts are in stillness, but it feels good.

Road #3

Calm and cool typical late Chittagong night...rain starts to catch up after a long sunny day..smell of rain on dry earth.. Going by Nasirabad housing society, spent my whole teens here, almost! Out of the car window, some buried memories are flashing..like a thunderstorm! silent, absorbing, exploring..senses to gratify & things to say... In the glow of the streetlights my head is clashing with the overflowing memories I never knew existed…Some feelings died out in cluttered timeframe came alive..… illusive faces, forgotten voices.. Ah the memories are sweet! Specially childhood! I rode my first bike here..played cricket everywhere, hurt my knees playing football, and I still remember those long cold badminton night! ...The infinite patience of imagination and the newly growing intimacy and frankness between love & hate feelings, that innocent 15 year old crush..!! Oh sweet childhood!... I can sense my dad’s presence somewhere here,he took me to school!

..the dimensions of  childhood still remains precious temple of happiness..and I spent those happiness..now life is peaking up with illusion; and the purpose is only to survive;not happiness!

Phone has started ringing..with a new facebook notification tone….. the digital living with virtual world without the life’s real essences .... my soul hungers for a dichotomy,carefree life..the colors, adventure, mystery,stupidity.. and the true pursuit of happiness,!

I've just crossed the road...night is drowning in me slowly.... Coldplay keeps shuffling on playlist.. rain hitting the ground hard as I’m looking out of windowpane..with overflowing emptiness..

In a world where everything is fake and wrong, wish there was no death of innocence in  heart, the child in us!..Some days I want an inbuilt reminder telling me what all I keep on missing every day, the innocent happiness!

..some feeling dies out in old memory lane, some out of necessity, some get lost in time frame..Time to move, time to continue my daily affair with system of survival....the art of living with repetitions...the same old life.. Wish there was another childhood waiting..wish there was another road#3 is waiting for me in some point of life..! 

Says it all!

It's a story about us, saymas and me!! The 6 years journey says it all. 

           

(Collected from Pinterest)

3rd of May

Today is the day; it’s been seven years now. I have started to lose memories of him, but I don’t think I will ever forget his eyes…and his smile; full of promises that he will always be there …sometimes when issues surround me wish he was here to beat up all of them for me, for my family... ...I miss my dad... Wonder how I learned to be so strong without him!

Let the night

One of those night, one of those thought.."let the light gently fall in me.. Been in the darkness for too long"... 2011

Phuket

"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,

         there is a field.. 

I'll meet you there"..

      Rumi

                       Pic: Phuket,2011

The dream

Sometimes in reality...sometimes in dreams..life whispers in varied tones.. went  to bed with the pleasures of the day...with the hope that my illusions won't engulf my dreams...but.I had a very strange illusive dream state last night.

it felt surreal..,i saw me..I remember seeing me as if I was someone else and I was watching myself ...I remember seeing eyes which were strangely pale as I was trying to watch from hiding place may be.. I was close but that "me" didn’t see me first .but it seemed like he felt my presence.somehow he was trying to communicate with me on a psychical level .... and there was a pool behind him.. large body of water, it was more like a pool.. . It’s large enough to be a small lake, but it goes on like a river.. it was a dark night.but...i saw the round moon behind him..i was dizzy, felt warmth on my skin.he was trying to dive into that large amount of water....he was smiling  as if he was happy to see me or may be he knew something that I didn't . The water seemed calm, it seemed like a mirror reflecting the sky…the water wasn't waving at all..even though he was swimming there..I ….I was staring as if I was looking for an answer.....All I remember was his eyes as they looked close into mine,there was a massage in his eyes that I couldn't read.It seemed so far,yet felt so near,.It felt like I drifted back into mysterious puzzle..,..the unconscionable consciousness,..and I pretended to wake up from something but couldn't wake up,the weird part is, I was feeling something weird in my body too, as if I was drowning,I delved into the known of unknowns; .as if I slipped into a brutal cosmic dream.

...i don’t usually remember what I dream...but I remember every details of it...,subconscious mind tried to play a game with my brain or something more deeper into it??!..who knows!

My old Bengali lyrics.

My lyrics, our band,...memories.. Brings back smile and happiness.. Reminds me of a life carefree and full of dreams and colors. 

Reminds me of "artcell", our endeavors, our songs, "smritycharon,duchor smrity, odekha..,,"