To you, dad (letter#1)

Another day.,another city..typical middle east Makkah temperature ,but my fever makes me shivering .i can feel the emptiness in the wind.. Random faces,unknown voices,.Prayers are floating around..your memories are keep rolling , emotions running through my body.i can sense your presence somewhere here..i can feel it!I miss my mum,my home!.but I miss you more here baba, I can feel more close to you now, I can imagine how you walked through one of those busy road here.. my eyes are filling with emptiness in the crowd..you are filling my long dried out emotions..tears in my eyes....wish I could tell you how much I love you.. I never even got to tell you that!

.. staying here makes me upset over loud thinking of you and your memories....staying here does not look easy.!Your stories are unfolding...my saddened emotions turned gently and slowly into something beautiful..i feel proud when people talk about you..how am I lucky to be your son.. You are the person, who is my backbone all the way, I’m proud that I’m fortunate enough to carry your DNA, dad!
 When the distance between me and you is just a dream wish there was a different dimension to bridge up dream and reality.....my mom’s empty words and her sacrifices make me sad .. The long seven years she left behind is nothing to the tears and shattered dreams she tasted. ...i remember that violent 6am wind,hammering each window, my mum’s far cry broke my eyes. Still my heart beats up so fast in pain!we didn't even get to hear your voice, you didn't even say goodbye, … I remember how hard it was for me to accept a life without you, I used to think how life can be more hellish than this....but I have changed myself , for me and for us.I learned so many things from the life you led, these days I allow only a little amount of life to bother me...cause that’s what you taught me... may be if you were here I would have understood the world more.i have been suffering from loss of sense , only I know it’s you who would have made my life easier. Sometimes my thoughts are on a collision course with my rules, morals & protocols..almost like a collateral damage of sort, then I think of you and I find the way of my own. You always lift my spirits..

Beyond space & time wish there was a different dimension of life where we could meet. Wish there was a door yet to be opened so we could be free, and could meet you there..these silent shadows creep upon me, like spirits .lonely, quiet…Sometimes in moments of sheer happiness and utter depression it’s only you on my mind,dad!!

 Time to inhabit another world..time to let dreams thrive for you, for us..I know that you’d left behind the world for a much better place, but still wish I had the chance to say how much I love you. .

 Time to move on now..time to make you proud!

Friday,Rain&My cluttered mind!

It’s Friday, friday doesn't seem like "funday " anymore. No different today, woke up with lazy head and saw morning has wet cheeks.....rain is trying to act familiar after a shinny yesterday...it’s storm outside,electric pulse is controlling the sky!...A flash outside brings me back to life from my splitting headache and my ears are washed with the sound of wet rain.The black sky outside is exploding into blinding purples,the streaks of white light traveling across miles tearing the horizon apart..
My lazy feet walk towards the open window, wetting their soles near the window pane, the water droplets; wetting my hair, my hands and body, I feel peace,.my eyes start to open wide and I can see the images in the distance with a glow settled on them..I look up at the screaming sky and got a bit scared; the flickering thunder and thrashing wind. The pendulum timekeeper declares the time 7.50 am. i overlooked it as if I missed an hour in counting. Rains pounding like merciless critics..I came to bed again and got my lazy comfort..discussions becoming sentimental controversies with myself and my brain.. window gets upset over my loud thinking and a restless wind whistles, windows creak. then i got up again..the clouds collide into an angry thunder clap as I turned my PC monitor on, the machine was on since yesterday, had some utorrent downloading to complete .Rain brought some audible letters, but the words are pouring out on my cluttered mind ,looking for pages to write on,my fingers wrinkled, I want to write page after pages on MS words. But instead I turned the soundtrack on,avoiding the long tale inside me...I call it my individuality....or my fragility.....have I ever prioritize the things in order? never!!
Possibility of self-mistrust multiplying...some days words mirror my feelings, some days silence..I'm observing my own silence now.... Music is flooding the spirits and the rain upsetting the rhythm.....the playlist shuffling with chosen Hans zimmer’s movie soundtracks..music is soothing the thoughts as if I finally got the relief from the grief poking for years...the knock from the door..coffee cup is ready now, I took it, coffee is wrapping me with slickly seducing ideas. I went to the table, the long “to do list” waiting to be melted...waiting to be loved and cared…who cares!! mind got something to get lost into.!
Morning merging seamlessly with me.... time to upgrade desires…Sometimes these primitive emotions forget the art of repeated life, I feel like a tangent to this universe! I never understand people in it! I understand nature, the beauty in it, the rain of it!

A cold breeze penetrates my being and envelopes my lungs to replace the squalor with peace and cleanses me..thoughts are in stillness, but it feels good.