Too much pressure to take

  

Some days what i consider as inspiration turns out to be the illusion....I feel like I live in different dimensions. Society wants something, situation demands another, and my heart poised somewhere else, feeling one way, acting another..Some days I let my suffering ripen..but kept well-hidden... Some days want to find a new interpretation of myself... These days helplessness is often a driving force to me..the more it delves me into confusion, the stronger my will to break out of it. In the midst of loss I discovered how strong and capable I am, and that I don't give up,I cave in... these are my gifts. I don’t share my problems, I don’t show how miserable I am, I hide it in me! I loop around my own gravity till I completely fall apart.. But my wishes sometimes whisper slowly for helping soul to restore me.

Every each day the dismal responsibilities and “to do list” dutifully disseminate their misery..but, nothing is happening except writing and planning...the luxury of my creative mind!!!..so many things to do, I have such a short time in hand, everything around me makes me insane and I won’t be surprise if I lose my sanity.. wish there was someone who can feel the shoes i'm in and the pressure I’m absorbing!.Its not easy to live in the three dimensions of life simultaneously.....I try to be untainted by future and reality..logic..or reason..and to be happy with my sweet disposition.
 I don’t laugh much these days; usually I fake it, it's easier to answer and hiding tomes of stories underneath your face!...In fact, I don’t feel very much these days. Just an unavoidable numbness that surrounds me, envelops me, swallows me. At most I can either feel a certainly small amount of pain or anger; absolute pure rage at nothing.

Not feeling very philosophical lately, probably a good thing. Some days i am told by my brain....that I've exhausted my quota of recognizable human thoughts.. i wonder how much of 'me' is withheld from me and how much of 'me' is revealed ....these days everything trying so hard, so soooooo hard to make me an accidental pessimist...but I’m holding myself strong with the hope some point life gonna drop something special, exactly the way i want everything to be... Searching for lil help, lil heads up, a lil push back seems so hard to find .... happiness is so speculative, freaky and never first hand for me...just the self-love remains... But luckily somehow life protects my vulnerable emotions and gives them a longer, decisive destiny...!!

Without you

   

Some days i think of myself as illiterate, dumb...why are we wasting so much of time if the life is totality of time?..then my answers hide under some invisible force which we both have nothing to do with. Every day each feeling seeks a corner inside me...to reach themselves out to you..

then i put the weight of loneliness on words, even they crumble...I cannot  choose the width and depth of my living anymore, it’s not in my hand, some “fate” controlling it over me.... Hints & delicacies..silences & cross-purposes..baffled frustrations..violent passions..steely numbness..wonder which stage of life I am in right now!!..may be in between all of them..!.. i find myself reluctant & afraid..the challenges, the future and my weakness. Being parted, every day I feel the lacking of other half in me; we are incomplete like a book in two volumes of which the first has been lost. The complete incompleteness in time frame.. even 6 hours of skyping never seems enough, every night 3am stares at me and I keep losing every inch of sanity..Sometimes I run out of freeway and I wonder if it’s all worth the price that I’m paying. .. I pull into the drive of memories and you’re standing right there..then I get my inspirations back..and I find all reasons to label it “worth waiting”... 

Morning thought

It’s 8.30 morning,the same ancient life between the intersecting circles of sleeping & waking..Cha is fueling the late morning, window frames the morning, day still seems yawning.....another day of infinite conclusions on the card....disappointment is trying to poke on the corner...some fantasies being troubled by nagging realities... I shouldn't sit on one disappointment for long...have to catch...a new one!!....scheme of the day is enveloping fast.... opinion and thoughts are engaged with intimate encounter in my head with the smell of “Cha”, but most opinions want to fly without wings...last night was ended with an unfinished conclusions , faith lost on unknown streets of fantasy & found a dead end..... couldn't sleep well last night, dreams seduced me into submission but now interestingly, morning energy is flying all over my cells, early workout was musical...the sun light seems brighter today..i remember how my soul used to be, a mystery wrapped in a riddle, dusted with a puzzle, layered with 100% pure confusion. Poor me!!!But today, I can look back and laugh, I’m the most happy and motivated one, happy for everything!!.. have reached a point where I can truly defy myself, it’s pretty much the old saying, the more you work on yourself, the more the universe works for you..but I feel restless sometimes, too much to take, too much to face, the increasing noisy traffic is making lines by their own..need a new highway of silence...new road of emptiness... need a push-back again!!...deadlines are moving around silently like gravity force!! Wish I could escape the reality once in awhile and be with you! Sigh!!!!!!!!